Science Jokes

Your opportunity to ask burning questions of the Department Head. Send your questions to nfreitag@uic.edu for newsletter answers.

Dear Department Head,

It’s Halloween and I’m in the mood for a scary science movie!! Any recommendations?

Signed,

Need-to-Scream-Loudly

DH:

Dear Screamer,

I’m always looking to be helpful, and I just so happen to have a list of favorite scary science movies that I’m happy to share. Please see the list below and get ready to pass out the ear plugs.

Sincerely,

DH

Halloween movies (get ready for some SERIOUS horror!!)

• Weeks of the Undead XXV: Yet another version of the annoying classic film, in which everything seems lovely in MBRB until autoclaves throughout the building suddenly stop working and continue not to work for a long long long long time. Thrill to the horror as terrifying creatures begin to emerge from biohazard bags left in the hallways, sending MBRB inhabitants tumbling down the helical staircase in their desperate bid to escape destruction from angry and resentful biohazards.
• The Escalator Exorcist: All is peaceful in the halls of the Retzky College of Pharmacy building as the beloved building escalator happily transports occupants up and down the floors… until one day following an electrical storm when strange creakings begin to emanate from within the escalator’s mechanical depths. Transport speed begins to erratically increase, throwing helpless riders into the air, and terror ensues when people find they can step on but can’t step off, disappearing along with the steps into the mechanical void. Can Dean Schumock save a group of helpless donors from escalator oblivion, or will he choose instead to save himself by exiting via the nearby stairwell and moving safely to Rockford? Night of the
• Unending Prelim: Second year PSCI student Ted Tracyclin prepares industriously for his upcoming prelim exam but suffers from nerves. His fellow student, Ann Picillin, and offers him some tea made from a natural product she is currently isolating from a fungus to calm his nerves. Ted leaves the tea on his lab benchtop, intending to drink it just before his exam, but instead Ted’s thesis advisor wanders in the lab, sees the tea, and disregarding every EHSO safety course ever constructed, drinks it down right at Ted’s bench. Horror ensues as the tea causes Ted’s advisor to start dividing like a replicating fungus, and when Ted enters the exam room for his prelim, he is greeted by 10^6 copies of his advisor, with all copies asking a different question about some obscure aspect of Ted’s project. You’ll desperately seek the off switch on your TV remote as this never-ending exam threatens to never end.

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Practice situation 2:

Your lab mate brought in an especially delicious looking sandwich and left it in the common area food fridge. Your lunch of rubbery carrot sticks, and lemon Jello, seems much less attractive. You rationalize several reasons as to why you deserve your lab mate’s lunch, even though you know deep in your heart you shouldn’t touch it. What is the best way to console yourself after you eat it?

1. Leave your rubbery carrots and Lemon Jello in place of the sandwich and hope your lab mate won’t notice. Feign extreme shock if confronted.
2. Eat just half of the sandwich, thoughtfully leaving some for your lab mate to also enjoy.
3. Notify your lab mate that you accidentally sprinkled said sandwich with your Listeria culture and then had to throw it away for safety (and hope he/she doesn’t notice the crumbs surrounding your mouth).
4. Replace the sandwich with Pumpkin Spice Spam as your lab mate will clearly appreciate the holiday treat.

Dear Department Head,

Didn’t the department just hire a new talented faculty member Dr. Bryan Lampkin? I haven’t seen him lately – I hope he isn’t another Sparky casualty? Can’t you do a better job in protecting our faculty?

Sincerely,

Worried-About-Dragon-Incidents

DH:

Dear Worried,

Most unfortunately, I regret to tell you that our newest talented faculty member, Dr. Bryan Lampkin, did indeed follow in the footsteps of the previous Dr. Carlier and the Drs. Sant to become a meal for Sparky, the UIC carnivorous Dragon.

As usual, everything started out fine at the New Faculty Orientation with pleasant mingling and libations until Sparky once again made his fuzzy, deceptively cute appearance. I photographed helplessly as Bryan stood close to Sparky but as I turned and ran speedily away I shouted encouraging words, something I imagine Bryan was quite grateful for until the dragon had him for an early dinner.

It is hard for me to protect our faculty as I’m sprinting away, but as I said, I do my best to shout encouraging supportive words before faculty become Dragon Toasted Doritos. I’m pretty sure my efforts are appreciated but I haven’t turned around to see for sure as that would slow down my escape.

Sincerely yours,

DH

Your DH is running a bit late with the newsletter and so must forgo the ‘Ask the DH’ column in this issue!

Instead, please enjoy the following National Holiday, and the DH will be back next time! Especially if someone submits a burning question!!

Sincerely yours,

DH

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Dear Department Head,

As I understand that today is National Mango Day, I was wondering if you know any hilarious mango jokes?

Signed,

Got The Mango Fever

DH:

Dear Person with a Fruit-associated Fever,

No. I don’t know a single funny mango joke. There are none. If you don’t believe me, try searching for ‘mango jokes’ or ‘interesting facts about mangoes’ and you’ll hit upon treasures such as this:

https://hahajokes.lol/50-funny-mango-jokes/

which will quickly make you realize that the mango is not a laughing matter, and you’ll fervently wish for some other more reasonable and entertaining Day observance, such as ‘Houseplant Appreciation Day’ (Jan. 10, a good day to be inside), or ‘Clean Your Refrigerator Day’ (November 15, prior to Thanksgiving).

In fact, I am so traumatized trying to read through mango puns and jokes in answer to your question, that I am instead focusing on this winsome graphic I found in honor of Clean Out Your Fridge Day. But wait! Is that a mango on the second shelf?

Sincerely yours,

DH

PS.  Sometimes inspiration is hard to find…

Dear Department Head,

I truly enjoyed the NASCAR races in Chicago this past weekend! There must be lots of fascinating history and startling facts about this super interesting sport. Can you share some of your vast knowledge of auto racing with all of us?

Signed,

NASCAR Enthusiast

DH:

Dear NASCAR-Loving Individual,

While I too am interested in sports where I can sit down (NASCAR) or drink a beverage (bowling) or eat cheesy snacks (rock climbing on very small rocks), I’m not sure that this newsletter is the place to delve into the fascinations of NASCAR and auto racing.  I do think it is however a completely appropriate venue for me to discuss my recent driving trip to Michigan (where I sat in my car, much like drivers sit in their cars for NASCAR), drank a beverage (like bowling), and got cheesy snacks all over myself (but no rocks in the car).

I will add that I planned this little excursion for my husband and myself (he also enjoys drinking and cheesy snacks) and picked what was listed on Tripadvisor as a charming Bed and Breakfast for our overnight stay. The place (It Which Shall Not Be Named) had many whimsical rooms decorated according to themes – I selected The Truffle Room. Our charming hosts (They Who Shall Not Be Named) showed us five delightful rooms before stowing us in the Truffle Room. The Truffle Room was indeed charming and whimsical – except for the toilet which was all by itself right next to the bed (see picture below). The DH confesses she has never seen this arrangement before, and she is doubtful that this placement of the toilet approximately 18 inches from the bed adds to the sense of romance and whimsy that one may hope for at a B&B.

Some of you may be asking ‘Is this really an appropriate story for the newsletter?’ to which I must answer, probably not, but sometimes the DH is running low on inspiration. Apologies to those of you who already heard this story. I will close by saying that both my husband and I were very thankful we did not come down with food poisoning during our stay – I mean, we’re usually glad not to get food poisoning, but we were SUPER glad while at this B&B.

Sincerely yours,

DH

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Dear Department Head,

 
Cicadas have definitely been in the news as of late!! Are there important facts that we should know about these prolific insects?

 
Signed,

Fascinated-But-Also-A-Little-Grossed-Out

DH:

Question: Okay, now I’m definitely grossed out. Anything else we should know?

Answer: One more observation and I quote: ‘One hypothesis for the reason behind the periodical cicadas’ seemingly inscrutable selections of 13- and 17-year increments for their reproductive cycle centers around the fact that both numbers are prime. The idea is that by popping out of the ground only in prime numbered intervals, periodical cicadas avoid ever synching up with booming populations of predators, which tend to rise and fall on two to ten year cycles, wrote Patrick Di Justo for the New Yorker in 2013.’ So, if someone is trying to eat you (or ask you to Chair a committee), you might consider hiding somewhere in the College of Pharmacy basement for a prime number of years.

Sincerely yours,

DH

• Fun Facts About Cicadas

Dear Department Head,

 Having just celebrated Mother’s Day, I’m wondering if you might perhaps know some fascinating stories about mothers. I solemnly swear not to check the veracity of your stories.

 Signed,

Salute to Mom

DH:

Dear One Who Salutes,

As you might have surmised from reading this newsletter section, being the DH means one must know  (or act like one knows) about all kinds of things, from microbes to mothers. Here are some pearls about Mom for you that I’ve drawn (and perhaps embellished) right from my memory banks*.

69: Highest recorded number of children born to one mother. The woman was married to a Russian peasant and lived in the 18th century. She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets. She spent most of her time not speaking to her husband.

72 years: Age of the oldest mother to give birth. She was an Indian woman named Omkari Panwar, who already had five grandchildren. She had twins. She also stopped speaking to her husband.

71.12 centimeters: The longest recorded baby (named Yikes by his mother) was 71.12 cm (~28 inches) and weighed 22 pounds. Yikes was drafted by the Boston Celtics following his preschool years in 1982.

22 pounds, 8 ounces: Heaviest recorded birth weight for a baby. Born to Babs Fridgadaire, a woman subsequently known for her tremendous biceps, the baby became famous at daycare for his impressive washboard baby abs (see above).

Sincerely yours,

DH

• Fascinating-and-Disturbing-Mother-s-Day-Facts

Dear Department Head,

Why was the newsletter so late this time around? Were you abducted by aliens?

Signed,

Kind of Worried

DH:

Dear Worried,

How kind of you to be worried about my welfare! It so happens that I was indeed abducted by aliens, but I’m happy to say that I’m now back and completely fine. Completely. Fine. We had a brief jaunt around the galaxy where I shared a few meals with other life forms (narrowly avoiding a cosmic incident when I mistakenly ate a Planet Zarnarian delegate who I thought was a large Snickers Bar) and I’m now pleased to be back at my computer to put together this latest newsletter. Please have no doubts that it’s really me. It is me, really. I just came back with an extra leg or two. Not to worry. Unless you see a large angry half-eaten Snickers Bar roaming the halls and asking for me. Then I’m in the autoclave room, hiding in a Biohazard bin.

Sincerely humanoid,

DH

Dear Department Head,

I just saw the notice regarding the Brown Bag on Tools for Difficult Conversations. This sounds like a great idea! It also made me wonder – have you ever had to handle a difficult conversation?

Signed,

Curious Conversationalist

DH:

Dear Curious,

While I believe it is well known that several things put forth in this column may be of questionable veracity, I will share a brief story of a Difficult Conversation that is actually true (a change of pace!). This Difficult Conversation took place before I had the honor of becoming DH and had just started serving as Vice Provost for Faculty Affairs (VPFA). In some instances, a faculty member may be suspended from coming to campus while an investigation is underway. On my second day as VPFA (I think) I was asked to meet up with a faculty member in the Health Sciences Library and provide a letter of suspension, the library being viewed as neutral ground. The night before this assignment, I was called and told that the faculty member had a concealed carry permit, and so plain clothes police would be standing nearby.

Beginning to doubt my wisdom in agreeing to this task, I showed up bright and early at the Health Sciences Library. I was met by a plain clothes policeman, a large fellow wearing a huge bulky bullet proof vest, who informed me not to worry, he would be standing 200 yards away behind some book shelves. I prepared to handle the Difficult Conversation with the faculty member by doing the following:

1. Sitting down and whimpering quietly.
2. Estimating how long I would be lying on the floor bleeding before the officer with the bullet proof vest reached me.
3. Deciding I needed to take a closer look at my job description for future assignments.

Fortunately, all went well, no shots were fired, and I’m pleased to be here today. I now handle Difficult Conversations by running as fast as I can the other way.

Sincerely yours,

DH

Dear Department Head,

I’ve heard the phrase ‘beware the Ides of March!’ but I confess I’m not completely sure what that means. Could you please explain? I’d like to know of what I should be wary… besides ending a sentence with preposition, which I now hear is ok to do, sort of.

Signed,

Feeling Anxious

DH:

Dear Anxious,

It’s definitely time to calm yourself! While many people tend to associate the Ides of March with the assassination of Julius Caesar, few know that Caesar wasn’t nearly so upset about being stabbed by his fellow Romans (including his pal Brutus), as he was bothered by his own inability to distinguish molecules ending in ‘ide’.

Ketides, peptides, bromides, all confused the Roman leader to such a degree that he banished any chemical substance ending in ‘ide’ from his presence, or even the uttering of any word ending in ‘ide’. This ultimately led to very bland cooking (no sodium chloride) and eliminated weddings (no bride) as well as clean shirts (no Tide) and large mobile homes (no double wide).

The Romans got fed up and tried to get Caesar’s attention by poking him in his side which only made Caesar even more upset, and eventually led to the whole mess that became a Shakespearean tragedy. The take home message here is to be careful of chemical substances during March (try bromine instead of bromide) and don’t poke your PI in the side to get his or her attention – try wearing a toga instead.

Sincerely yours,

DH

Dear Department Head,

In addition to President’s Day, are there other important days of note in February?

Signed,

Afraid of Missing Out

DH:

Dear Missing Out,

Well you might ask! It turns out that February is chock full of important days of observance. Unfortunately, you already missed National Tater Tot Day (Feb. 2), National Pork Rind Day (Super Bowl Sunday), National Do A Grouch A Favor Day (Feb. 16 – Shura, remember how I opened the door to the seminar room for you last week?), and National Crab Stuffed Flounder Day (Feb. 18). BUT you’ve still got time for National Sticky Bun Day (Feb. 21), National Poke Your Labmate in the Side and Then Run Real Fast Day (Feb. 22), and National Tell Your Department Head How Exceptionally Charming She Is Day (Feb. 29, once every 4 years, so make it good!) Please enjoy these days safely and responsibly, especially the ones that involve poking. And don’t poke the DH.

Sincerely yours,

DH

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There is clearly much we can yet learn from Peeps. And yes, I’m going to predict a warm winter even though I have absolutely no expertise in this area.

Sincerely yours,

DH

Especially someone I think was a very attractive mini-DH….

Sincerely yours,

DH

Dear Department Head,

Last year I found your ethics practice quiz to be immensely helpful and I passed my Ethics Training after only seven tries (ok, eight). Could you please get us all in the mood for this year’s Ethics Training?  

Sincerely, 

Needs Help 

DH:  

Dear Needs Help,

My pleasure. I think a few practical practice examples will get you on your way to passing your training in fewer than six tries!! Dust off your ethical behavior and get crackin’!!

Laboratory-based Ethics Exam

1. You are the Chemical Hygiene Officer for your lab and one day, while you are munching on a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos at your lab bench, an EHSO official enters your lab for a surprise inspection. Your best course of action is which of the following:
   1. Shove all of the remaining Doritos quickly into your mouth and run for the nearest door, trying not to breath out your tell-tale cheese breath
   2. Dump the Doritos quickly into a nearby large beaker and pretend you are preparing to extract them for semi-natural products
   3. Pretend you have passed out on your bench top and hide the tell-tall Doritos bag under your unconscious body 
      
      
2. You have just finished an autoclave run on one of PSCI’s many state-of-the-art functioning autoclaves. You open the door to find that you forgot to place a metal pan under your many agar flasks, and a large agar chunk is now congealed in the autoclave drain. You quickly:
   1. Dig out the agar chunk, sprinkle it with festive candy sprinkles, and enter it in the Potluck Competition
   2. Take your sharpy and put someone else’s name on all of the flasks, leave the flasks behind, and walk casually from the scene of the crime
   3. Take your flasks and confidently leave the room, knowing that there are so many state-of-the-art functioning autoclaves that no one will notice if one is out of order 
      
      
3. You have been selected as a poster judge for the COP Research Day. You have been assigned several posters to be presented by colleagues in Pharmacy Practice and PSOP. Your best course of action to ensure that PSCI nabs all potential poster prizes is:
   1. Eat another super large bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and gently blow cheese dust over the poster presenter while they try and explain their poster, causing them to cough and wheeze during their presentation
   2. Shake your head from side to side and sigh loudly during the whole poster presentation, rolling your eyes towards the heavens frequently so as to convey to all present that this is a really lousy poster
   3. Grab a large cup of coffee and accidentally throw it all over your assigned poster. Repeat as needed, each time expressing your surprise that you could be so clumsy.

Good luck! You’ll do great!

Sincerely yours,

DH

Today, in lieu of a burning question for the DH, we will instead take note that August 14 is also known for being World Lizard Day. Let us take a moment to celebrate the lizard…

And completely unrelated, but I’m including it because I like this picture of Dr. Burdette at the Mini-Symposium last week, and she kind of has a similar expression…

I am clearly not the only one impressed with the use of plants as beauty-aids. Just look at some examples of our faculty below.

Dr. Bruzik has clearly been inspirational to our faculty. I’m heading out now to water and prune my own hair-doo.

Sincerely yours,

DH

Dear Department Head,

Are there fascinating facts you can share about the month of July?

Sincerely,

I Wish I Had A More Interesting Life

DH:

Dear More Interesting,

I was hoping someone would ask me this!! Yes, sometimes I worry I won’t have anything for the Ask The DH column and then a fascinating question such as yours comes my way, and I know I’m in the clear for another 2 weeks! July is named after Roman dictator Julius Caesar (100 B.C.–44 B.C.) who was known as ‘Julie-Baby’ to his close friends (except Brutus), but as Julie-Baby is a ridiculous sounding month, we ended up with July.  The month of July features Canada Day (July 1), which no one remembers (sorry Canadians), as well as International Town Criers Day (July 11), which I’m sure even fewer people remember or understand.  My personal favorite is July 27, which is Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day which is a great way to get exercise while also causing your neighbors to stare at you. I happened to catch our own Karol Bruzik talking his favorite David Hasselhoff Chia Pet for a stroll (see above).

Delightfully yours,

DH

• NASCAR cars generate enough downforce to drive upside down. I have no idea what this actually means, but I do know that after George Washington crossed the Delaware he celebrated (and showed off his strong neck) as captured on the left.

These are just some of the millions – okay more like two – made-up facts linking NASCAR and our Founding Fathers.

Source of facts about George Washington: it’s better you don’t know.

Sincerely yours,

DH

• More of NASCAR facts

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Also, the Moore Lab can be seen above rehearsing their roles for the next James Bond film to hit the big screen entitled ‘The Man of a Thousand Peptides’.

Sincerely,

DH

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• http://www.peepresearch.org/smoking.html

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DH: 

Dear Prof. Moore,

I immediately began researching this important question. Both animals have multiple positive attributes, from the happy-go-lucky expression of the quokka to the unbearable cuteness of the sea otter. However, my vote for the quokka was sealed when I read that they are popular for selfies and indeed, found the picture positive proof left.

Most sincerely yours,

Department Head

Dear Department Head,

Are there weeks when you just can’t think of anything clever to share for the newsletter? 

DH: Yes.

Sorry about that. Here’s an adorable animal picture to tide you over until the next newsletter. Sort of adorable. Maybe more disturbing…

Dear Department Head,

Are there fun and little-known facts you can share to help us all get in the mood for the Super Bowl this Sunday? 

DH: After downing the less than fabulous bottle of January 2023 Andre champagne in a location far from campus in observation of the UIC alcohol policy, I started my exhaustive search for little known Super Bowl facts. After an exhaustive ordeal of typing ‘Fun Facts about the Super Bowl’ and clicking the first link, I’m happy to provide the following to put all in a Super Bowl state-of-mind.

• Want more? Visit

Dear Department Head,

Is Friday the 13^th truly an unlucky day?

DH: I think the fact that the long-awaited 2023 1^st edition of the PSCI newsletter did not come out this past Friday answers your question!!! While some (and perhaps all) scientists may disagree, those suffering from paraskevidekatriaphobia — fear of Friday the 13^th – not only struggle with how to spell and pronounce their disorder but must also deal with the reality that even if they can pronounce it, no one knows what the heck they’re talking about. This calls attention to the fact that there are several Pharmaceutical Sciences-relevant phobias out there, yet many may not recognize the names. As a public service, and so we can all be sympathetic to our afflicted colleagues, I will list some common disorder names and definitions below.

Tcardaphobia: fear of using your Tcard at a restaurant because you might forget your receipt or forget the tax exemption, or the wait staff will stand and stare at you with angry puzzled faces.

Recertifyyourwhateveraphobia: fear of checking your email in case there is yet another university course and quiz you have to take and score 100% to be able to do something you may not even want to do.

Prelimaphobia: okay, this one is completely understandable.

COPandMBRBfloodaphobia: this one is completely understandable too and needs no definition.

PSCInewsletteraphobia: this one doesn’t exist as we all love the PSCI newsletter… don’t we!!!!! DON’T WE!!!!!!!!

Dear Department Head,

What one should do with the Post-TG tristesse when there are still 4 long weeks until X-mas? 

DH: An excellent question! First, the DH had to Google ‘tristesse’ to figure out what the heck is being asked here (Dr. Mankin uses fancy language!) Having done that, and discovered tristesse means ‘a state of melancholy sadness’, the DH then assumed ‘Post-TG’ means Post Thanksgiving. Having worked so hard thus far, the DH took a snack break. The DH then reasoned that the melancholy sadness must come from the let-down experienced after trying one of those fabulous turkey recipes (such as the Tur-Dunkin’) mentioned last newsletter. This revelation required another snack break. The DH then pondered how to raise the spirits of those experiencing tristesse, and decided the perfect solution is an adorable pet meme. This should hold you until Xmas – and you’re welcome! Keep those questions coming!!

Dear Department Head,

I’m looking for a creative and yet satisfying way to cook my Thanksgiving Day turkey. Do you have suggestions? 

DH: Do I have suggestions? Am I the DH? Do I not have opinions on everything? Of course, I do!!!   This may be my favorite web site (see below) for the holidays. It’s time to try:

• Thanksgiving Recipes to Try

Dear Department Head,

Halloween is over, and after watching Halloween XXVII – Jason Visits the Senior Center, I find myself in the mood for a good scary movie more relevant to PSCI. Do you have any recommendations?

DH: Well yes, I do!! We all need a good horror movie from time to time, and I have several recommendations that will give you chills while also keeping you focused on the PSCI mission and vision (a work in progress!) Grab your bucket of popcorn and enjoy goosebumps with the following movies:

ROCKFORD HORROR PICTURE SHOW– A young postdoctoral scientist’s car breaks down in what seems to be a lovely setting for a pharmacy program. In seeking help, the postdoc discovers there is some strange science going on, with Crispr-Cas systems and DNA repair being used to generate legions of graduate students that roam the campus and seem like crosses between humans and wild turkeys. Can the young postdoc manage to figure out the audio visual system in time to warn the Chicago campus?

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAN – the College of Pharmacy Dean seemed like a charming guy – but why are faculty and students starting to disappear? Why are all of the research programs suddenly shifting to brain research, with an emphasis on brains as food? Why are all of the ACPE review team members dressed in ragged clothes and wandering the halls while groaning loudly? Will this be a problem for accreditation?

PRELIM XXXV – the prelim never ends. Ever. EVER!!!!!

PARANORMAL DRUG DISCOVERY– Everyone is excited to have the new Drug Discovery Center Director join the University – but strange things do seem to be suddenly happening around the hallways of COP. The escalators suddenly speed up, flinging passengers around the building. People who wander into the hood farm room never return and strange sounds start coming out of the hoods. The giant mortar and pestle out front starts grinding up unsuspecting squirrels. You’ll scream without stopping when you find out what just sorts of unnatural products are responsible for the mayhem!

Dear Department Head,

I’m interested in learning more about the origins and meaning of Halloween. Can you share any insights?

DH: Of course I can! I hope you know by now that the DH is a source of all sorts of questionable information. Here’s some fun facts you may not have known about Halloween.

1. Candy corn is in no way considered a food product. You shouldn’t eat it. This is widely known.
2. If your parents dressed you completely in black and sent you out on busy streets to go Trick-or-Treating, it is entirely reasonable for you to question their love for you. Just saying.
3. In addition to pumpkins, Jack O’Lanterns can also be made out of beets, turnips, and other strange vegetables, although this is a weird thing to do. Don’t try it with zucchinis.
4. If you dress up as a mummy by wrapping yourself in toilet paper for a college dorm Halloween dance, no one will actually ask you to dance. Personal experience.
5. The mask used by Michael Myers in the classic horror film Halloween was derived from a $2 Star Trek Captain James Kirk mask. Strangely, I’m not making this one up.

• That’s enough Halloween fun for now. If you’re desperate for more, try:

Dear Department Head,

I’ve always wanted to be ethical. Is there a good way to prepare for my upcoming ethics training? 

DH:  Glad you asked!! Ever since I first joined UIC and received an ethics certificate signed by then Governor Rod Blagojevich (later a convicted felon), I have devoted myself to helping others prepare for their ethics training. To get yourself in the mood and rev up your ethical behavior, practice your responses to the sample ethics-testing situations below.

Situation 1: You forgot your lunch and you notice that your labmate brought a very tasty sandwich and drink that currently rests in the nearby refrigerator. No one is around you. Which of the options below is the best course of action in this challenging situation?

1. You eat your labmate’s sandwich and spend the rest of the day looking innocent.
2. You eat your labmate’s sandwich and finish the drink and spend the rest of the day looking innocent.
3. You eat half of your labmate’s sandwich and drink a portion of the drink, thoughtfully leaving the rest behind.
4. You eat your labmate’s sandwich and finish the drink and then leave tell-tale crumbs on another labmate’s desk.

Situation 2: You are doing a very messy experiment that could result in unsightly stains on your labcoat. You notice your labmate’s freshly cleaned labcoat draped over a chair nearby. You put on your labmate’s labcoat, and promptly spill Coommassie stain all down the front. Quickly choose the best course of action below:

1. Coat the labcoat completely in the Coommassie stain and let it dry. Hope your labmate won’t notice the color change. Act innocent.
2. Dash over to a second labmate’s bench space. Put the stained coat on that bench chair. Wait until the stained labcoat’s owner comes in and act shocked and appalled that someone would take a coat that wasn’t theirs and do such a despicable thing. Stomp around a lot and shake your head.
3. Abandon the stained labcoat and find a new thesis lab.
4. Abandon the stained labcoat and apply to other programs.

Situation 3: Your marvelous Department Head asked you to write a report describing your favorite UIC University policies and then present your report at the upcoming faculty meeting. You completely forgot to do this important project, and faculty meeting is only one hour away. What is your best course of action in this desperate situation?

1. Buy a tasty lunch for the DH and bring it to the faculty meeting.
2. Buy a tasty lunch and a delicious drink for the DH and bring it to the faculty meeting.
3. Pretend you did your report and make up some policies and hope nobody notices.
4. All of the above.

SCORE: You did marvelous!! You’re ready for your official training! Congratulations!!

Dear Department Head,

What exactly is the Autumnal Equinox, and should I worry about it?

DH: Many, but not all of us know (unless we nonchalantly Google), that there are only two times of the year when the Earth’s axis is tilted neither toward nor away from the sun, resulting in a “nearly” equal amount of daylight and darkness at all latitudes. These events are referred to as Equinoxes. The word equinox is derived from two Latin words – aequus (equal) and nox (obnoxious). The equinoxes mark the transition from winter to spring and from summer to fall, resulting in drastic temperature changes in all buildings on campus. This situation leads to hot sweaty labs or freezing uncomfortable labs, making lab personnel and PIs equally cranky. This equally obnoxious situation generally lasts for several days, until the Earth resumes its tilt and we all start walking sideways again. I wouldn’t worry about it. In fact, I’m very cranky now that you asked me, and I’ll thank you to leave me alone for a few days.

Dear Department Head,

While I enjoyed listening to the splendid Country Music songs you listed a couple of weeks ago, I’m wondering if there might be Country Music songs written specifically for those of us working in the lab. Are there examples of inspiring music I might listen to while pipetting noxious substances? 

DH: Well you ask!! I know that sometimes just the right music can set the tone for that next big experiment. Fortunately, there are artists who have recognized this truth and composed the following ballads for your inspiration.

‘There Ain’t Enough Kimwipes To Clean Up The Mess You Made of My Heart’ by Bucky Jones and the Falcon Tubes

‘I’ve Got Natural Products More Natural Than You’ by Sigma Catalogue

‘My Tears Won’t Dry After You Autoclaved My Heart’ by Stericlean and the Steamers

‘I Wanted A Diamond Ring But He Delivered Gold Nanoparticles’ by Polly Parafilm and the Pipetmen

…and that popular medley often heard at weddings,

‘I Love You Down To Your Ribosomes’ by Captain Shura and the Mankinettes

Dear Department Head,

The recent showing of the Game of Thrones prequel, House of the Dragon, has made me think of Sparky, the UIC mascot. How afraid should I be of the UIC Dragon? 

DH:  It is well you ask!!! Sparky may look furry and adorable, but there is a terrible, fire-breathing, teeth gnashing demon within!! Beware of Sparky!! The dragon’s appetite is legendary. Those who believe conspiracy theories may ask important questions, such as ‘Why does UIC admit 60,000 undergraduates and end up with only 30,000 at the end of the academic year?’ ‘What really happened to Chancellor Amiridis?’ ‘Has anyone seen Dean Schumock this morning?’

While some have survived Sparky encounters – Dr. Stephanie Crawford has been heard to speak of Sparky’s luxurious fur – most have ended up as Dragon Chewies. However, there are reports of those with ‘dragon blood’ who can tame the fearsome beast. Such an individual, Sir Paul Carlier, has indeed been able to get chummy with Sparky (seen on the left). Will Sir Carlier use Sparky to become Lord and Master of UIC? Time will tell… meanwhile, practice your sprinting and hang out with slow running friends.

Dear Department Head,

I’ve heard some country music being played during the construction on the 5^th floor of the Pharmacy building. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed it in your office across the way. What are your favorite tunes? 

DH: It’s truly hard to pick my favorite!! I just wish all could enjoy these haunting melodies… Meanwhile, if I have to choose, I’ll choose the following:

‘You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly’ by Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty

‘Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart’ by Johnny Cash

‘I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling’ – I don’t know who sang this one

‘They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out’ – I don’t know the talent behind this one either.

• For the skeptics, I think these are real!

Dear Department Head,

My lab mate keeps tossing Eppendorf tubes with dry ice under my lab bench chair and the explosions are distracting me from my crucial experiments. What can I do to stop this behavior? 

DH: You could try politely asking your lab mate to cease and desist this hilarious behavior, but I’ll assume you’ve already tried that. The best way to handle the situation is to invite a seminar speaker who is not very interesting to give a talk, and then while your lab mate falls asleep during the seminar, use a permanent marker to draw an amusing mustache and beard and huge eyebrows on your lab mate. Be sure to take a picture with your phone so it can be prominently displayed in this newsletter. All will appreciate this good fun, and the markings should come off after a month or so.

Dear Department Head,

What is the meaning of life? 

DH: While the DH could readily answer this question, she would prefer at this moment to continue with that most sincere of human emotions (self-pity) and to seek an outpouring of sympathy since, despite her rugged immune system, she came down with COVID at a recent Gordon Conference Meeting. Thus, while she mends and uses up boxes of Kleenex, it seems most appropriate to stop and contemplate other equally important questions, such as ‘what are some of the little known pandemics of our time?’ Consider the examples below:

The Great Lima Bean Famine: While technically a famine and not a pandemic, it is still worth noting the Great Lima Bean Famine of 1952. Unlike the Great Potato Famine of 1845, nobody really noticed this one because most people don’t like lima beans.

The 1980’s Big Hair Pandemic: While many of you will be too young to remember this horrifying event, those with a few more years under their belts will remember the outbreak of extremely large hair styles that forced excessive hair spray consumption and ruined the views of movie goers across the nation.

The Great Zucchini Plague: Similar in some ways to the Great Lima Bean Famine mentioned above, those living in the suburbs lived in fear of the Great Zucchini Plague of 2010, when those foolish enough to leave their cars unlocked would return and find them packed with zucchini from a neighbor’s yard. Attempts to make the giant green vegetable more palatable by making zucchini bread met with some success, but many innocent children still tremble to this day.

Dear Department Head,

What the heck happened this week? Why didn’t this fabulous newsletter come out on Friday? 

DH: It is a little know made-up fact that there is psychic ability in the DH’s genes. Somehow, someway, she knew that additional major news items would be coming in after the usual Thursday deadline (it must surely be that rather than that she somehow just didn’t quite finish the newsletter in time). And indeed, several news items arrived just a day or two ago!! Miraculous? Foreseen? Only the DH’s great grandmother, Maude Von Freitag (pictured below, from The Los Angeles Herald, 1899), knows for sure. Beware the stare!!!