Science Humor II
Do you find it funny?!
Do you find it funny?!
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“What do you call a group of helium atoms? A giggle”. He, He, He, He!
(original joke by Mr Daniel S. Carlson of Blackduck High School)
- “Do unto others 20% better than you would expect them to do unto you, to correct for subjective error.” -attributed to Linus Pauling
(from the archives of Iain Walsh at https://icenigmascom.wordpress.com/2018/12/04/really-bad-jokes-of-science-the-archive/ )
- He says: “You matter! Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you’re energy!”
(courtesy of Abby Bendel of Pantego Christian Academy)
If you know any cool science jokes, please send them my way… azimni1@uic.edu
Dear Department Head, Help!
Your opportunity to ask burning questions of the Department Head. Send your questions to nfreitag@uic.edu for newsletter answers.
Poem by Chat GPT no 1
Dear DH,
As the gentle April rain drips softly and disturbingly down upon me from over my lab bench, I feel I need some inspiration. Do you have any words to share that might inspire me as I dry out my lab coat?
Signed,
Inside and Soggy
DH
Dear Soggy,
Glad you asked! This week’s inspiration comes from a recent email I received from Dr. Nora Vazquéz-Laslop, who introduced me to the use of ChatGPT to create poetry on your topic of choice and then take full credit for it! (Nora didn’t actually take credit – that’s my ethically questionable idea). Following in her wise footsteps, please enjoy the following Pharmaceutical Sciences poem written by AI but painstakingly cut and pasted below by me:
ODE TO PSCI
In glass-lit labs where silence hums,
And time is measured drop by drop,
A world unfolds in coded sums
Where questions rise and never stop.
White coats drift like patient ghosts,
Through aisles of labeled, guarded dreams,
Each vial a promise, held the most
Delicate hope in fragile seams.
From ancient roots and bark once ground,
To molecules in perfect chains,
The art of healing has been found
In trial, in error, loss, and gains.
A bitter pill, a sugar coat—
Designs that mask what cures within,
For every life is gently wrote
In doses small, yet discipline.
Through microscopes, new worlds appear,
Where cells converse in quiet code,
And science listens, sharp and clear,
To paths disease has long bestowed.
Yet more than formulas and charts,
It beats within a human core—
For pharmaceutical science starts
Where suffering knocks upon the door.
…Given that this use of ChatGPT for poetry does feel a bit like cheating, here is a poem straight from the questionable noggin of the DH:
There was a grad student of PSCI,
Who joyously let out a loud cry,
‘Oh what could be better?
Than another newsletter?
Which brings me more joy than a Spam pie!’
Poem by ChatGPT no 2
Spring migration 2026
Dear Department Head,
Spring seems just around the corner, and that means it’s time for the annual migration of the ever-popular Marshmallow Peeps. Do you have any new fascinating facts to share regarding these squishy colorful bird-like creatures?
Signed,
Want to Hang Out with My Peeps
Spring migration 2026 no 2
DH:
Dear Peep Enthusiast,
You ask and I answer! There is much still to learn about these mysterious and captivating flightless Marshmallow birds. One question that comes to mind is where do Peeps go in the wintertime? Can they withstand the frigid temperatures that often visit us in Chicago? There is only one way to find out – through a thorough Peep investigation.
To begin to study the impact of cold temperatures on Peep fitness, it is good to start with Peep resistance to stress conditions – such as the stress of getting hit with a hammer. Peeps at room temperature don’t care for this experience. Perhaps this is why Peeps avoid the tool section of hardware stores and hang out instead by the cash registers.
Spring migration 2026 no 3
To investigate the resilience of Peeps in colder climates, we introduce a volunteer Peep into the cool stillness of liquid nitrogen.
Spring migration 2026 no 3;5
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Spring migration 2026 no 4
The Peep was left to meditate for 60 seconds.
Spring migration 2026 no 5
The Peep was then introduced once again to the gentle pressure of the Hammer…
Spring migration 2026 no 6
…with the following result:
Spring migration 2026 no 7
This Peep fragmentation following the Hammer encounter explains why Peeps are rarely found in polar regions or on the streets of Chicago in wintertime. Those wishing to find Peeps should instead seek them in their native Walmart habitats.
We have so much still to learn from these gentle, squishy creatures.
Sincerely yours,
DH
New Year Resolutions
Dear Department Head,
It’s that time of year again for New Year’s Resolutions! I’ve come up with several, but I’m wondering if you might have tips on how best to approach and keep my resolutions?
Signed,
Want So Badly To Be Good
DH:
Dear New Year’s Resolver,
It is indeed the time for making those important New Year’s Resolutions that can have such a major impact on our lives. However noble our intentions, we all know the cases of workout gyms packed with New Year’s exercisers on January 2nd, only to be empty of human bodies by Jan. 15th (if not sooner). Fortunately, I have several tips to help you plan and stick to those New Year’s ambitions!!
1) Make a resolution you can keep. Sounds easy and it is! Forget the ‘lose 20 lbs’ or ‘start a weight training program’. Choose instead something simple, such as ‘Sit on the couch a lot’ or ‘Snooze more during seminar’. You’ll feel proud of your ability to carry out your resolutions with little effort!!
2) If you can’t stick to your resolution, lie about it. When asked questions such as ‘weren’t you planning to spend more time in the lab?’, immediately assume a look of innocence and surprise before pretending to lose consciousness (hit the ground softly so as not to injure yourself). The person asking you questions will immediately forget the topic as they administer life-saving measures.
3) Think up resolutions for others. Rather than focus just on yourself, expand your focus and share your ideas with your labmates as to how you think they should improve their lives. Suggestions such as, ‘Betty, you’d look much better if your clothes weren’t so ugly’ or ‘Frank, I think you should be taller’ will certainly get things rolling for the New Year. You will have plenty of time to think of additional resolutions as people stop talking to you or wanting you anywhere near them.
Get cracking!!! And Happy New Year!
Sincerely yours,
DH
Sparky eating new faculty no. 1
Dear Department Head,
Don’t we have some new junior faculty joining us this academic year? I’d like to meet them and say hello!
Signed,
Looking-For-New-Friends
DH:
Dear Friend Seeker,
As often seems to happen at this time of year, I’m afraid I have both good news and bad news!! The good news is yes! We have two new junior faculty joining us this year – Dima Travin and Barbara Adaikpoh. Both are delightful and we are so glad to welcome them except (and here’s the bad news) both have unfortunately met Sparky, the seemingly cute but deceitfully deadly red furry UIC dragon. Many of you may remember our other unfortunate new faculty who made the mistake of attending New Faculty Orientation and meeting Sparky, despite my best efforts to protect them while quite understandably saving myself: Shilpa and Vinayak Sant, Paul Carlier, Bryan Lampkin… oh when will the carnage stop?!?!?!?!?!
Things started off well enough at the New Faculty Reception. Happy folks gathered to welcome new faculty and take pictures. Then came the entrance of Sparky. I rushed over to Barbara and Dima along with Stephanie Crawford, our brave Executive Associate Dean, to do our best to protect Barbara and Dima by inserting ourselves next to Sparky, as you can see below. Our efforts even made the front page of the UIC Faculty Affairs newsletter:
Sparky eating new faculty no. 2
I heard Sparky’s stomach start to rumble, and I knew what was coming. Bravely, I immediately pushed Dima and Barbara into Sparky while Stephanie and I ran for the door. As I ran, I called out words of encouragement to Barbara and Dima which I think cheered their last moments, just before they became a Sparky snack (see below).
Sparky eating new faculty no. 3
‘Oh how can we prevent this tragic loss of faculty?’ you ask. I’ve thought long and hard about this – it may be that if I stop pushing new faculty into Sparky while I run for the door, we could reduce the Sparky damage. I’m still thinking about this. Meanwhile, watch out for this red fuzzy monster and let me know if you see him so that I can promptly start running the other way.
Most sincerely yours,
DH
Animals in suits no. 1
Dear Department Head,
Is today by any chance a National Day of Something or Other?
Signed,
Feel-Like-Celebrating-Something-but-Don’t-Know-What
DH:
Dear Potential Party Animal,
Glad you asked!! It just so happens that today is National Work Like a Dog Day! This day is meant to celebrate those who work extra hard and go that extra mile to get things done, but it’s also just a great day to appreciate pictures of dogs in business suits.
Animals in suits no. 2
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Animals in suits no. 3
While doing my extensive research on this topic, I found that you can actually find many pictures of many different animals dressed to the nines in impressive business wear. This of course sent me in a totally new direction of important research.
Animals in suits no. 4
‘But wait!’ you say, ‘none of these animals is wearing a lab coat!!’ To this I say, ‘oh ye of little faith…’
Animals in suits no. 5
Time now for me to get back to working like a… well, I’m not sure what this is, but I do like the way it stares at you. I’m going to practice this look.
Animal in suits no. 6
Animals in suits no. 4
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Animals in suits no. 5
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Wiener mobile no. 1
Dear Department Head,
One of my favorite drive-able food products is the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Might you have any updates on the whereabouts of this gas-powered meat product on wheels?
Signed,
I-Wish -I-Was-an-Oscar-Meyer-Wiener (Does Anyone Still Sing That Song?)
DH:
Dear Lover of Traveling Sausages,
You are in luck!!! I do have new, BIG NEWS, about the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, so get your buns ready!! The Wienie 500 is coming our way!!!
Wiener mobile no. 2
As it says in the ad, six Wienermobiles, but only one Wiener!! Yes, it’s true – Oscar Mayer’s fleet of Wienermobiles will go hot dog-to-hot dog in the inaugural “Wienie 500” – the first ever, high-stakes wiener race on the iconic Indianapolis Motor Speedway!!!
This is so good that I can take the description right from the web site: ‘The Wienie 500 will also mark the first ‘meat-up’ of all six Wienermobiles in over a decade and the first competitive race for the fleet, each sporting an all-new look. Each Wienermobile will represent a different regional dog, including the Chi Dog (Midwest), New York Dog (East), Slaw Dog (Southeast), Sonoran Dog (Southwest) Chili Dog (South) and Seattle Dog (Northwest). From custom Hotdogger racing suits, to a trophy presentation in the ‘Wiener’s Circle’, complete with a condiment spray and hot dog for the wiener’s enjoyment, every moment of the race is designed to spark smiles, serving up a delightful racing event only Oscar Mayer can.’
It all happens this Friday, May 23, so make up some excuse to tell your PI and get on down to Indianapolis to watch the fastest meat products drive around in high speed circles!!
I will note that many years ago, given the somewhat frequent contamination of hot dogs with Listeria, I decided to try and dress up as a hot dog for Halloween. As my costume was homemade, it was too challenging to make both meat and bun, so I went for just the meat.
Unfortunately, my efforts to spray paint a big sheet of foam red were not entirely successful, so I ended up looking more like a blotchy red tube. People made interesting guesses about what I was trying to be.
Doggedly yours,
Department Head
Alien Abduction no. 1
Dear Department Head,
It’s been quite some time since the last newsletter came out! Did something happen to you to cause this terrible delay?
Signed,
Super-Devoted-to-Department-Updates
DH:
Dear Devoted One,
You are absolutely correct in assuming that something terrible must have happened to me to prevent the arrival of the PSCI newsletter!! I don’t want to have to make up too many details, but suffice it to say that I was happily typing away at my desk and compiling the latest PSCI news when a powerful tractor beam came straight through my office window and I found myself very gracefully whisked up into an alien spaceship!!
Alien Abduction no. 2
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Alien Abduction no. 3
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Alien Abduction no. 4
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Alien Abduction no. 5
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Alien Abduction no. 5
Using my extensive spaceship engineering prowess, I was able to reverse the tractor beam and shoot myself gracefully once again back into my office chair, where I could finish typing up the newsletter. Here it is!!
I confess that some of the aliens were quite sorry to see me go. They may have followed me down, so don’t be surprised if you see some suspicious faces in the hallways. But anyways, here’s the newsletter!!
Sincerely yours,
DH
News of Late no. 0.5
Dear Department Head,
Sometimes I feel just a bit discouraged when I listen to the news as of late. I would love some tips for happy things to do to lift my mood. Do you have any good suggestions?
Signed,
Need-to-Autoclave-My-Cares-Away-But-the Autoclave-Ain’t-Working
DH:
Dear Got-the-Biohazard-Bag-Blues,
You’ve come to the right place! When you’re starting to feel those Biomedical Blues, don’t despair! There are plenty of happiness-inspiring activities tucked away within the halls of Pharmacy and MBRB – you just need to know where to look! Let me give you a few ideas to get your started…
Activity 1: Paste images of your PI’s head on a variety of amusing objects. Take a page from the Riley lab and find new ways to amuse yourself shuffling around attractive pics of your PI’s head. Start (for example) with some of your favorite movie scenes and be creative!! You’ll feel a real sense of accomplishment and your PI will love it – trust me!!
News of Late no. 1
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News of Late no. 2
News of Late no. 4
Didn’t see your PI in this edition? Don’t worry, we’re just starting with the fun activities!! Stay tuned for more in the next newsletter edition!!
Happily yours,
DH